I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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