Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
