Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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