awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
