she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
