You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
