I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
