Don't make out with my wife yet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
