last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
