Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
