I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
