Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
