she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This house was built for laser tag.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
