i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
