Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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