good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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