my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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