Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You ate ashes out of my bong
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
