He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
