i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
