woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
