I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
