Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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