I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
