Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
