My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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