I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
