Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
