My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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