Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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