The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
