Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
