I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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