Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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