So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
