Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
