I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
