I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
