Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
