My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
