i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
people are starting to question the shark bite story
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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