you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
