Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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