every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
