Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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