JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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