Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
