I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
