I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
