if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My penis needs a shock collar
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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