just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
