If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
