so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
