For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
